The second component of Heartache

The second component of what is commonly referred to as heartache is guilt. We blame ourselves for the loss of the loved one, and regret everything we did and said that might have contributed to the waning of love. Especially painful are memories of our insensitivity, neglect or even unkindness towards the loved one, who seems to us with hindsight to have been remarkably generous in loving us despite our shortcomings. This self-criticism invariably takes the form of questions we put to ourselves: ‘How could I have been so neglectful when he (or she) needed my help? How could I have been irritable with him (or her) when all they are doing was trying to put me in a good mood? Why I stupidly flirt with someone else when I knew it would make them suffer? Why did I let that idiot chase them without doing anything, as though I were so sure of myself or, on the contrary, so unsure? How could I have refused to respond to their references to our future together when at the time that was what they were dreaming of and all they wanted was to love me?’

During this reminiscences, the loved one appears as a shining example of tenderness, honesty and generosity towards us, while we reveal ourselves to be neglectful, selfish and indifferent to our lover’s happiness. These guilt-ridden thoughts can prompt us to write long letters full of remorse and promises of our undying love to the loved one. Writing these letters brings us great comfort, but it is brief, all the more so because the loved one doesn’t usually reply.

Hector and the secrets of love – Francois Lelord

The components of Heartache

The first component of heartache: neediness. ‘ I need to see him (or her), to talk to him (or her), right now.’ The drug addict in need of a fix. The child separated from its mother.

Off all components, neediness is the one we experience most acutely on a physical level, not dissimilar to the withdrawal symptoms described by drug addicts deprived of their addictive substance. The area of neediness that concerns us refers to the temporary or permanent absence of the loved one whether physically or emotionally. This absence can lead to insomnia, anguish, changes in eating habits, loss of concentration – even in situations where full attention is essential – and on a more general level it prevents us from experience ant pleasure, even from activities we previously considered enjoyable. These dreadful effects of neediness can be momentarily alleviated by taking a range of substances (distilled or fermented alcohols, nicotine, tranquillisers, narcotics) or even by engaging in absorbing activities (prolonged hard work, television, physical exercise, sexual; relations with a new partner or with an ex-partner), but the more we push neediness away, the more violently comes back, like a wild animal retreating only to charge with greater force.

Conversely, particular places, people and encounters that evoke memories of the loved one can intensify these attacks of neediness: the park where we walked together, the restaurant we used to meet at, the friend who witnesses our love for one another, the sweet melody the loved one enjoyed humming when he or she was feeling happy. We can experience ever stronger emotions when we come across an object that the loved one has left behind. A bottle of make-up remover in the bathroom or a pair of old slippers at the back of a cupboard can move us greater heights of suffering and emotion that any great symphony, work of art or poem.

Neediness sometimes reaches peaks of suffering the intensity of which makes us fearful of the hours to come (‘How will I survive today? Tomorrow? The rest of my life?’). it also causes moments if abstraction when we are with other people, even people we like. It is generally accepted that confiding our feelings to a close friend or professional can bring real relief, although this is a generally short-lived.

Hector and the secrets of love - Francois Lelord

Epilog

Sunt cuvinte care isi gasesc intr-un final tarziu destinatarii. Sunt cuvinte care se doresc spuse si totusi se lasa mult asteptate pana a fi rostite. Sunt cuvinte care se pierd in marea uitarii. Sunt cuvinte care se doresc a fi descoperite.

Ceea ce vroiam sa-ti spun, de fapt, era ca mi-e dor de tine, de discutiile noastre despre simplu si complicate, de prietenia ta. Acum, mi se pare simplu, insa atunci, in invalmaseala aceea de emotii, de senzatii si ganduri ... m-am complicat si m-am pierdut inutil.

Mi te imaginez zambind ironic de imaturitatea copilariei mele, stiind, probabil, dinainte ce urma sa spun, asteptand cuminte sa realizez ceea ce tu, evident, observasei demult.

In cele din urma, am inceput sa-mi pierd curajul, de-ati adresa aceste ganduri, de teama ca si ele se vor pierde in neant.

Relatiile pe care le avem cu oamenii din jurul nostru pot fi privite ca fiind niste cadouri. Fiecare cadou este adus de cate o persoana si se manifesta prin experientele unice si deosebite pe care le avem impreuna, timpul petrecut, zambete, imbratisari. Cu alte cuvinte, ceea ce primim este experienta relatiei, si nu persoana in sine cu care am trait acele lucruri.

Cand primim un cadou, cadoul ramane cu noi, iar cel care ni-l ofera pleaca. Si, uneori, suntem recunoscatori pentru dar, insa lasam persoana sa plece.

Totusi, de ce oare, nu-i atat de usor sa lasam si oamenii sa plece definitiv, agatandu-ne de amintiri?

Drumul spre inima

Raspantii de drumuri. Urcusuri. Coborasuri. Impacari. Despartiri. Uitari. Revederi. Amintiri. Emotii. Ne aflam pe drumuri mai mult sau mai putin circulate.

In iuresul orasului, cobor din lumea mea cu nori pufosi si culori de bebelus, lovindu-ma usor de provocarea locurilor de parcare din minunata noastra capitala sau mai corect spus cu lipsa lor. Mergand agale, ma izbeste o intrebare ... cand si cum reusesc oamenii sa se strecoare in inima cuiva?

Pentru un moment sa ne imaginam inima ca fiind o imensa parcare ... atat timp cat e plina nu ai cum sa intrii. Insa, de-a lungul timpului, masinile parcate mai pleaca in urmarea altei chemari, ramanand locuri libere. Atunci, poti sa intrii si sa stationezi pentru o vreme. Nu, pentru o eterninate, nu poti sa ramai in acelasi loc, pentru ca esti dus la fiare vechi pe motiv de maturare si ruginire de inutilitate.

Bineinteles, chiar si atunci cand gasesti un loc liber mai intervin cateva provocari cum ar fi daca dimensiunea masinii tale corespunde spatiului acelui loc si daca stii cum anume sa parchezi.

Sunt oameni care dintr-un motiv sau altul, aleg sa iasa pentru un timp mai scurt sau mai lung din viata ta. In urma lor, va ramane un loc liber pentru ca o alta persoana sa-l umple. Sunt persoane care se potrivesc pe loc respectiv si sunt persoane care desi ar avea potential nu au capacitatea de a parca intr-un mod potrivit.

Totusi, ce se intampla, atunci cand cineva din cei plecati se intoarce? Isi va relua oare vechiul loc, iar noul il va ceda politicos? Poate va gasi o extindere a locului ... sau poate nu...

Oamenii uneori pleaca, alteori se mai intorc.

Curiozitati

Te fac sa te simti speciala in calitate de prietena a mea?

Te fac sa te simti special in calitate de prieten al meu?

Din cand in cand ma gandesc ... cum as putea sa te iubesc mai mult....

Nu am timp

Nu am timp sa traiesc, viata pentru ca sunt prea ocupat sa lucrez.
Nu am timp sa visez, pentru ca sunt prea preocupat sa implinesc visele altcuiva.
Nu am timp sa iubesc, o sa fac asta altcandva.
Nu am timp sa privesc apusul, pentru ca nu-mi pierd vremea cu nimicuri.
Nu am timp sa raspund la un mesaj, pentru ca sunt prea sunt prea obosit sa-mi mai pese.
Nu am timp sa dorm, pentru ca mii de ganduri imi bantuie noaptea.
Nu am timp gandesc ... de teama ca intr-o zi, poate, o sa ma trezesc!

Doar pentru ca tu nu ma vezi, asta nu inseamna ca eu nu sunt.
Doar pentru ca tu nu ma auzi, asta nu inseamna ca nu vorbesc.
Doar pentru ca tu nu ma simti, asta nu inseamna ca eu nu sunt.